I had an epiphany while on vacation. I want to be a writer. Now I have written different types of things for years: children’s books, blogs, comic perspectives and environmental/social issues. What I never said aloud was that I wanted to be a writer. However, I met this 86 years young Jewish woman who had eyes that saw right through to your soul. Shirley asked “even though you are in college working on a psychology degree, what do you want to do?” My response was the most honest I have ever been with myself. It was fluid, it was natural. I told her “I want to be a writer”. Never had I uttered those words aloud. Why? I don’t know why. I can surmise that it is a lack of self-esteem and confidence.
It was later that night that the implications of what I said fully hit me. What came out of me was a maelstrom of emotions. Uncontrollable tears, gut-wrenching sobs and a relief of the soul that I have never felt in my 35 years. It was blessed, pure and uncomfortable. It meant that I have to change my course in life. For a long time, I thought that I would counsel. I thought wrong. It turns out, I needed counseling that you can only do within yourself. It’s finding personal congruence and clarity.
The one thing that was said to me on vacation that I have to repeat to myself everyday is: “If your emotions were that strong, that is what you are meant to do.” Cindy, a local massage therapist I was sent to after messing up my neck, is such a spiritual woman it seems like every word that comes out of her mouth is completely in line with the Cosmos. She was questioning me so we could try and figure out the source of my muscular issues. The golf ball size knots in my neck explained a lot.
Where do I stand at now? I will be continuing work on my website, which is a blog about environmental and social issues related to same. However, I also need to work on other projects that I have left sitting for a long time. Projects that I know are good, but that I have stepped away from. Why did I step away? I think it’s a fear of completion. I fear completing them, because what if I never have another good idea? It’s all about fear and having to reconcile those fears.
My name is Lisa. I am a writer and now know the direction I am supposed to take in this life. I look forward to hearing from you.